Bystander Curious

renic

(eye-reen'-ick) adj. favoring, conducive to, or operating toward peace, moderation, or conciliation [from Greek eirene "peace" from the goddess of the same name.]




   Some changes are rising from a dusty repititous day-to-day, and I feel that it is noteworthy, because I will surely forget all of it too soon.  Bill and I, still a "thing", closely bonded through adventures, experiments, and most recently the tempt of Baccaus (wine.)  Speaking of Rome, we are in year  V of being together.  Five years and everything still seems so new and ever-changing, except for our need to do it all together.  We are moving, yet again, but less then 10 miles this time, to Belmont.  It is almost like the move also means we must change everything at once, like dirty laundry all in one day. Our job must change, our friendships, family, and the way we live. We will be gentle with the new place, invite more people over, wine tastings, pumpkin carvings, plan time for hiking, and biking. I can't wait for my dad to visit for the holidays ever so more now.  We might have room for art and a drumset.  We won't let my rabbit destruct the walls or carpet.  It will be better.

but wait, why do I always do this, wait for something else as an excuse for a life makeover. 
Bill and I are dreamers, we don't always make sense in what we do or how we do it, and it came to me recently how much of a 'we" we really are...moving only sometimes too far ahead or too far behind but eventually we catch up and move together but at least we are in the same direction.  I hate to think of all the people we have left behind in our quest to understand ourselves, and what we are personally doing.  Both my love and I have been changing so much, that I forget to save time to learn what everyone else is doing.  
I hope no-one forgets us, and still accepts us with open arms.


( Our fifth anniversary )
I post this because I realized that we just can't remember what we did for our second or fourth, and only the third because of this blog.  I was just happy to find the blog as I was finding a freshman year pic of me.  

Bill took me to Sonoma/Napa, for my love of wine.  We went to Sebastiani, Ravenswood, Kunde, Clos Pegase, Peju, and my favorite Frogsleap.  We enjoyed a new first together, mudbaths in Calistoga. Not sure how I feel about that certain squishy feeling between the cheeks, but I think I enjoyed the rest....i think. 
  We camped under the stars, the amazing stars, that only I got to see in a middle of the night bathroom run, but simply stunned me that I forgot about my fear of things that go bump in the night, and spun in a circle under the glittering heavens.
  Had the obligatory spendy anniversary dinner...porkbelly salad anyone?
Wandered organic gardens, where we threw in place of a dog ball, peaches! For Annie the german wirecoated winery dog.
Drank my fill of Cabernet, and zin where I could find it, with pretty little cheese tasting plates. 
Semi-snobbery, but some refreshing huggables.

all together, a hopefully memorable, V anniversary :)



 

Gew Gaw:/ n : a showy trifle : BAUBLE, TRINKET


Dandy Warhols at the Warfield; A treat before halloween. 

  Saturday morning I grumbled as I stepped foot at my workplace on a day that I planned off, groomed two dogs, assisted on the floor to a carnival of corporate madness as the goings of free activities made bustles of people, kids, and dogs.  5-hour shift, I snuck out at one-thirty, of course not without a free caricature of Bill and I's pretty heads (now obnoxiously smiling and mocking Bill's large forehead from the refridgerator.)
 
  To the city, in shorts and a racerback tank to which I tried to tie my bra together so the straps wouldn't show; It ended in a circulation malfunction, which honey had to fix during the show by reaching up the tank and breaking the ties. Very classy.  Thai eats and pretty cocktails with flowers prelude the main attraction. I got to the Warfield really early, took to the left opening on the stage, smudged between teenage groupies and security. Lights went out and honey and I like raver kids blinked in blue with our ghostie light up necklaces from Walgreens (2 for $5.) The opening bands although amazing, I can't wait to talk about the Warhols. 

  Courtney Taylor-Taylor is a freak.  Exaggerated oohs and ahs. Hilarious.  Where I stood Zia could look straight down and smile at the ridiculous and obligatory "love you Zia's" from the girl next to me.  A sad moment to realize I used all camera juice on doggies and self portraits when I could be taking pictures of Brent staring off in his own strobe-light-world while drumming . 
 
  Could the set list make me gasm any more? No.  They played everything (except horse pills but I forgive)
Last High- my fave but more fast paced and passionate.  Bohemian Like you, Love song, Now you love me, Boys better
Good Morning (played by request).  Last junkie on earth, Outlaw trucker. Simple LIfe Honey.  Plenty from my favorite album "The Monkey House." and it surprised me to hear anything from "Odditorium."  I got to see my favorite band, and it was all I hoped it would be, now that is happiness my friends.

Pharonic/ adj / (1828)1. of , relating to, or characteristic of  the pharohs 2. enormous in magnitude or size



   October already!  Harvest moons bake in the sky. Pumpkin seed teeth dry on my cookie sheet.  I curl tighter in sweaters and blankets again.....hate the cold, love Halloween.  Bill and I plan for our costumes (mine involves a diet and a tummy tuck, but whatever.)  We decided on Lion Tamer and Lioness.  If I don't fit into that costume by Oct 28th, then I guess I will go as Sideshow Elephant girl.

  Inspirations gather in this month pouring out of all outlets artistic, physical, and visual.  Bill took me to the movie, he has been excited for awhile now, "Into the Wild". A movie based on a book from the journals found in Alaska of Chris McCandless.  I could not of been any more amazed and satisfied by a movie for a long time .  The movie bridged the barrier between art and film, which I rarely see crossed in modern movies these days.  Alaska is sensitive to look at for me, because it is my home and I love to recognize places and appreciate that it is going back to your roots of what is real once you step on land there, no matter where you are from.

 A necessity over analyzed by people in denial is probably not a necessity. 

Well I just wanted to write a short blip to update this thing a little, so till next time. Keep looking up.

Coxcomb:/n/(1573) 1.  A jesters cap adorned with a red strip 2. A conceited foolish person


   2007 is not over yet, but I have dubbed it cursed.  If there is anything bad that is going to happen, it is going to happen by the end of this year.  I would rather that happen, so 2008 can be left alone for everything good to look forward to.  Bring it on fates.  It has not been just me that has felt a difference in tension, and difficulty in one way or another, and some tell me that is just life.  Breezy does not allow that to be the excuse because there is way too much struggle for that to be apparent to me.  I think this year was constructed of a series of challenges that if you don't fight through them, you will not last.

  Power to the Peaceful, was meant to be a nice break for the spirit to be free.  Stilted people dancing in extravagent costumes, hippies in thier vest and skirts swaying, and all the green booths imaginable were there.  I ate from a donation based booth;  I gave five dollars and got three types of salads and a hunk of fresh chocolate swirl bread.  It was wonderful, some that had no money still were fed.  Bill got a book called "Static" signed by author and journalist Amy Goodman, whom also spoke vehemently during the festival about everything that needs to be done for this planet to wake up. Moy inspiration.  Indigo Girls did a pretty nice sounding set as Bill and I wondered the booths.  He nearly stopped at every one to ask a bunch of questions.  They all were very informative.  I was more interested in sampling the organic chocolate/ fruit and nut LARABAR . Key Lime Pie ruled my mouth.
  Bill still seemed stressed at the event though, and that made me stressed, and then we had a stressed little spat.  It all flushed away by the time that Micheal Franti hit the stage. It just comes to me that there is not an automatic peace button inside of Bill or me or anybody that will fix anything that has been brewing for months.  I calmed down as I danced and laughed as a little blond headed boy moppet  tried to match my moves as a swirl of burning incense smoke created a fog machine effect around him.  Micheal Franti pulled out a number for the kids singing the Sesame Street theme, and for the sing-alongs like me  "Love is what I got"  a Sublime tune. Behind me, leering over the crowd, was a giant dragonfly on stilts waving his wings in a flurry with the fast paced song.


  To clarify, Bill and I are fine, very much in love.  I am more proving that the challenges this year is bringing, bring them on, because I want nothing to do with them next year.  I am determined for everything not to be a failure.  Giving up never makes a good example.

Vesuvian:/adj/(1673)/1:of, relating to, or resembling the volcano Vesuvius  2: marked by sudden outburst (has a sudden temper, but quickly controls himself)


  As always, this entry post occurance.  Bill and I's 3rd anniversary of being together was on August 27th. Three years ago I allowed a date from a persistant Walgreens customer whom I had turned away at least four times in the year preceding despite that I was amused by his bouncy personality, lingo, and brightly colored attire.  We went to Bangkok Thai in Reno,NV (2nd best thai I have ever had, #1 is no longer in business in AK.)  I never had thai before, so he ordered all the basics from coconut soup to curries to padthai.  My favorite food genre developed right there.  I told him my age and he gulped a little but that seemed to wear off quickly when I came over for some wine.  We seemed inseperated for a while.  He invited me to Santa Cruz, another place I never been but beg him to take me as often as we can now. We went to our favorite beach at natural bridges, where I gleamed at finding tidepools and starfish.  On our way back to Reno, he told me this time together had been great, basically he wouldn't forget it....He got a job 3 hours away in Mammoth lakes. our "thing" became a "fling"?
  I thought I wouldn't see or hear from him again, because it is such a guy thing to do.  Three months later before my birthday I get a letter and my landlords look at me through the office and see me jumping like the dork I am, up and down in front of the mail box.  He wrote me the sweetest letter, and I knew that everything wasn't over.

It is amazing to think that wasn't just a few months ago, but actually three years ago.  We are not about to end it anytime soon either.

 
 

 

  I got an earfull of the Smashing Pumpkins, a week before the show, as if we were preparing for a rock final.  We jammed through a variety of my favorite "Siamese Dream" and old school "Gish" (Bill's fav,) even surfed through the washy waves in newborn "Zeitgeist".  After a couple drinks and skimming through walls of glorious Fillmore posters the show started.  Drums rattled, bass hummed, and Bill Corgan appeared in white shirt and emo-Dr.Seuss striped arm sleeves, still bald and creepy.  He started heavy and okay, could of had more passion, then he mentioned something that turned off the audience that "San Francisco is full of hate"....Wha?
  Soon we found out that Corgan may be bitter that his new trancendental experimental jam band (practice?) music was not exactly working for what everyone had expected.  I shook my head watching the band crumble into what had used to be great into a beginner band all over again in a baaaaad way.  I agreed with the guy who shouted "This song remains the same, move on with it."  I disagreed with the bitch who elbowed him in the ribs.  That must be the San Francisco hatred he spoke of. 

I know that Corgan must of not felt confident with his new step forward/ backward? He told the audience before encore "Was that too weird?  Should I refund your money?"  Bill and I (and that other guy) screamed yes, but the crowd sucked up his presence and screamed No.  El Stupidos.  In disappointment, we needed something more...probably not more drinks, oh well.  We stepped over to the Boom Boom Room and watched the Stanton Moore Trio play an excellent funky set with real talent as I danced with a wild drunken blond woman who claimed Stanton is her future husband, he just doesnt know it.

Chawbacon\n\(1537): BUMPKIN, HICK



Alaska: Wild, open, gorgeous, and sometimes boring (even when your sharing it with the one you love.)

I glowed and tingled happily as I showed Bill my hometown in Wasilla, AK.  It was such a rush to have him experience most of the things I knew and grew up with, including my parents who were very well behaved and approving, which is a plus considering our past reactions.  The sky fell upon us with rain and never-ending shine diffusing any fourth of July firework plans but refreshing the pine scent into our crisp surrounding. 

 Mikees memory and issues are still red-hot and awkward considering his ex wife is taking everything and sueing my step mom for anything she can.  It was hard watching the other brother struggle to fill that emptiness he feels and my step mom fly into the air with nothing to grasp on except for her own avoidance.  I went there hoping I could help, or strengthen a family bond but it seemed as they were not apparant to how they were pushing us away.

Moments make it easier to cherish.  Bill tried to teach my

( five year old niecie )

how to skip a rock, humourously I watched as she took a huge pebble and plunked it in the lake exclaiming happily "Look, I skipped it one time!"
Bill picks up another flat rock and gives it to her, and continues to demonstrate, and then he skips his three times...my niecie then throws hers in and excitedly says" I threw mine on top of yours so mine skipped three times too!"  Adorable little runt she is.

Bill and I explored together

( Hatchers Pass )

( Kenai Fjords )

( Animal Conservation Center )

,

( Exit Glacier )

, and

( all in between )

 
  Bill doesn't feel like he has seen enough, I don't think it is ever that possible to see everything in a month let alone even a week.  Balancing family time and exploration is perhaps enough for me to go completely bonkers.  I was glad to be back home.  I spent time with my Dad in the ol' truck, my step-grandmother on her last limb of life, my best friend, and my brother.  Time for Bill and I's alone time again by the end of that week.  We were there June 30th-July 7th.  Despite the drama, Bill and I hope to go back and camp in Denali.

I don't know how to start or end this.

The ( step) brother who was closest to me hung himself on the 16th, all because of a women who was not honest with herself, let alone honest with him.  I haven't had a chance because he had been so busy and moving around to talk to him since last summer, and all that is repeating in my head is that I want to talk to him, tell him that I love him. I can't, and it is wrenching at me now. I want to see him and hug him and us to tease eachother, everything be the same and wonderful when I visit again.

After a few dramatic circumstances, it came to me that this was going to happen.  Life also gave me the clues to predict; Bill and I talked about the suicide rate in Alaska being higher then any other state.  We talked of this only two days before his own suicide.  I believe strongly that not everything, but odd little things, happen for a reason, happen to guide you or prepare you in some sort of way.  I admit, I was not prepared for this, nor did I want to be. 

He was always there for me to make me laugh and never took anything personally.  We kept eachothers secrets, and used them maybe later for revenge.  He bought me my first tattoo when I turned 18 and thank goodness it is an awesome one.  He would often hide behind corners to scare the hell out of me and wrestle me into very painful positions at times, but that is what made him Mikee, and I love him  with all my heart and will forever miss him.

Fuck. Lets do this thing.

  It is that time of year again; The fuck-it-all or let it fuck you season;

Summer , like psychedelic spiders playing guitar on my spine
misbehaved tingles loosen the wicked collar that determines
paycheck or freedom.

What is this thing "life", what day is it on, maybe I can request it off.

This dreamcloud tunnel vision really tears up my animal instinct; I want to lash out and roar at something, even if it translates into "I said I wanted paper, Not plastic!"  since having a hippie green utopia is the current buzz.  Are you in or are you an ignorant earth hating scumpussy!?  Yeah, you know who you are,  squishing your dirty fingers into our earth injecting soda cans and cigarettes, mcdonalds and aerosol, putting lust over love, and fear over happiness.  Why search for other highs, when you could of just stepped outside.

 Today I celebrate, not being lonely in myself, having a break, and finding new music from the small print of the upcoming Bonnaroo festivals lineup.  I have enjoyed so far, "Bang Bang Bang", "Fictionplane" "Sam Champion" and "Cage the Elephant.   I won't be going but at least I can enjoy what I am missing.

 This weekend I am going to celebrate my tin can love being full up rather then the loud and clangy half empty, because what good is a tin can you can't fill when its gone, it just echoes and holds remains of memories and dusty arguements.  You can try to fill it with something else but it wouldn't be the same.  Anyways, we plan to go camping at Butano. I am looking forward to being wrapped up in Bills arms, hopefully a good dancing fire, and some trails to spend the day exploring together. 

If you want something to look forward to, try CFD, may 5th at the civic center SF.  Listen to music, sign petitions, have a good time.

I need to write something.