Bystander Curious

renic

(eye-reen'-ick) adj. favoring, conducive to, or operating toward peace, moderation, or conciliation [from Greek eirene "peace" from the goddess of the same name.]




   Some changes are rising from a dusty repititous day-to-day, and I feel that it is noteworthy, because I will surely forget all of it too soon.  Bill and I, still a "thing", closely bonded through adventures, experiments, and most recently the tempt of Baccaus (wine.)  Speaking of Rome, we are in year  V of being together.  Five years and everything still seems so new and ever-changing, except for our need to do it all together.  We are moving, yet again, but less then 10 miles this time, to Belmont.  It is almost like the move also means we must change everything at once, like dirty laundry all in one day. Our job must change, our friendships, family, and the way we live. We will be gentle with the new place, invite more people over, wine tastings, pumpkin carvings, plan time for hiking, and biking. I can't wait for my dad to visit for the holidays ever so more now.  We might have room for art and a drumset.  We won't let my rabbit destruct the walls or carpet.  It will be better.

but wait, why do I always do this, wait for something else as an excuse for a life makeover. 
Bill and I are dreamers, we don't always make sense in what we do or how we do it, and it came to me recently how much of a 'we" we really are...moving only sometimes too far ahead or too far behind but eventually we catch up and move together but at least we are in the same direction.  I hate to think of all the people we have left behind in our quest to understand ourselves, and what we are personally doing.  Both my love and I have been changing so much, that I forget to save time to learn what everyone else is doing.  
I hope no-one forgets us, and still accepts us with open arms.


( Our fifth anniversary )
I post this because I realized that we just can't remember what we did for our second or fourth, and only the third because of this blog.  I was just happy to find the blog as I was finding a freshman year pic of me.  

Bill took me to Sonoma/Napa, for my love of wine.  We went to Sebastiani, Ravenswood, Kunde, Clos Pegase, Peju, and my favorite Frogsleap.  We enjoyed a new first together, mudbaths in Calistoga. Not sure how I feel about that certain squishy feeling between the cheeks, but I think I enjoyed the rest....i think. 
  We camped under the stars, the amazing stars, that only I got to see in a middle of the night bathroom run, but simply stunned me that I forgot about my fear of things that go bump in the night, and spun in a circle under the glittering heavens.
  Had the obligatory spendy anniversary dinner...porkbelly salad anyone?
Wandered organic gardens, where we threw in place of a dog ball, peaches! For Annie the german wirecoated winery dog.
Drank my fill of Cabernet, and zin where I could find it, with pretty little cheese tasting plates. 
Semi-snobbery, but some refreshing huggables.

all together, a hopefully memorable, V anniversary :)



 

Gew Gaw:/ n : a showy trifle : BAUBLE, TRINKET


Dandy Warhols at the Warfield; A treat before halloween. 

  Saturday morning I grumbled as I stepped foot at my workplace on a day that I planned off, groomed two dogs, assisted on the floor to a carnival of corporate madness as the goings of free activities made bustles of people, kids, and dogs.  5-hour shift, I snuck out at one-thirty, of course not without a free caricature of Bill and I's pretty heads (now obnoxiously smiling and mocking Bill's large forehead from the refridgerator.)
 
  To the city, in shorts and a racerback tank to which I tried to tie my bra together so the straps wouldn't show; It ended in a circulation malfunction, which honey had to fix during the show by reaching up the tank and breaking the ties. Very classy.  Thai eats and pretty cocktails with flowers prelude the main attraction. I got to the Warfield really early, took to the left opening on the stage, smudged between teenage groupies and security. Lights went out and honey and I like raver kids blinked in blue with our ghostie light up necklaces from Walgreens (2 for $5.) The opening bands although amazing, I can't wait to talk about the Warhols. 

  Courtney Taylor-Taylor is a freak.  Exaggerated oohs and ahs. Hilarious.  Where I stood Zia could look straight down and smile at the ridiculous and obligatory "love you Zia's" from the girl next to me.  A sad moment to realize I used all camera juice on doggies and self portraits when I could be taking pictures of Brent staring off in his own strobe-light-world while drumming . 
 
  Could the set list make me gasm any more? No.  They played everything (except horse pills but I forgive)
Last High- my fave but more fast paced and passionate.  Bohemian Like you, Love song, Now you love me, Boys better
Good Morning (played by request).  Last junkie on earth, Outlaw trucker. Simple LIfe Honey.  Plenty from my favorite album "The Monkey House." and it surprised me to hear anything from "Odditorium."  I got to see my favorite band, and it was all I hoped it would be, now that is happiness my friends.

Pharonic/ adj / (1828)1. of , relating to, or characteristic of  the pharohs 2. enormous in magnitude or size



   October already!  Harvest moons bake in the sky. Pumpkin seed teeth dry on my cookie sheet.  I curl tighter in sweaters and blankets again.....hate the cold, love Halloween.  Bill and I plan for our costumes (mine involves a diet and a tummy tuck, but whatever.)  We decided on Lion Tamer and Lioness.  If I don't fit into that costume by Oct 28th, then I guess I will go as Sideshow Elephant girl.

  Inspirations gather in this month pouring out of all outlets artistic, physical, and visual.  Bill took me to the movie, he has been excited for awhile now, "Into the Wild". A movie based on a book from the journals found in Alaska of Chris McCandless.  I could not of been any more amazed and satisfied by a movie for a long time .  The movie bridged the barrier between art and film, which I rarely see crossed in modern movies these days.  Alaska is sensitive to look at for me, because it is my home and I love to recognize places and appreciate that it is going back to your roots of what is real once you step on land there, no matter where you are from.

 A necessity over analyzed by people in denial is probably not a necessity. 

Well I just wanted to write a short blip to update this thing a little, so till next time. Keep looking up.

Coxcomb:/n/(1573) 1.  A jesters cap adorned with a red strip 2. A conceited foolish person


   2007 is not over yet, but I have dubbed it cursed.  If there is anything bad that is going to happen, it is going to happen by the end of this year.  I would rather that happen, so 2008 can be left alone for everything good to look forward to.  Bring it on fates.  It has not been just me that has felt a difference in tension, and difficulty in one way or another, and some tell me that is just life.  Breezy does not allow that to be the excuse because there is way too much struggle for that to be apparent to me.  I think this year was constructed of a series of challenges that if you don't fight through them, you will not last.

  Power to the Peaceful, was meant to be a nice break for the spirit to be free.  Stilted people dancing in extravagent costumes, hippies in thier vest and skirts swaying, and all the green booths imaginable were there.  I ate from a donation based booth;  I gave five dollars and got three types of salads and a hunk of fresh chocolate swirl bread.  It was wonderful, some that had no money still were fed.  Bill got a book called "Static" signed by author and journalist Amy Goodman, whom also spoke vehemently during the festival about everything that needs to be done for this planet to wake up. Moy inspiration.  Indigo Girls did a pretty nice sounding set as Bill and I wondered the booths.  He nearly stopped at every one to ask a bunch of questions.  They all were very informative.  I was more interested in sampling the organic chocolate/ fruit and nut LARABAR . Key Lime Pie ruled my mouth.
  Bill still seemed stressed at the event though, and that made me stressed, and then we had a stressed little spat.  It all flushed away by the time that Micheal Franti hit the stage. It just comes to me that there is not an automatic peace button inside of Bill or me or anybody that will fix anything that has been brewing for months.  I calmed down as I danced and laughed as a little blond headed boy moppet  tried to match my moves as a swirl of burning incense smoke created a fog machine effect around him.  Micheal Franti pulled out a number for the kids singing the Sesame Street theme, and for the sing-alongs like me  "Love is what I got"  a Sublime tune. Behind me, leering over the crowd, was a giant dragonfly on stilts waving his wings in a flurry with the fast paced song.


  To clarify, Bill and I are fine, very much in love.  I am more proving that the challenges this year is bringing, bring them on, because I want nothing to do with them next year.  I am determined for everything not to be a failure.  Giving up never makes a good example.

Vesuvian:/adj/(1673)/1:of, relating to, or resembling the volcano Vesuvius  2: marked by sudden outburst (has a sudden temper, but quickly controls himself)


  As always, this entry post occurance.  Bill and I's 3rd anniversary of being together was on August 27th. Three years ago I allowed a date from a persistant Walgreens customer whom I had turned away at least four times in the year preceding despite that I was amused by his bouncy personality, lingo, and brightly colored attire.  We went to Bangkok Thai in Reno,NV (2nd best thai I have ever had, #1 is no longer in business in AK.)  I never had thai before, so he ordered all the basics from coconut soup to curries to padthai.  My favorite food genre developed right there.  I told him my age and he gulped a little but that seemed to wear off quickly when I came over for some wine.  We seemed inseperated for a while.  He invited me to Santa Cruz, another place I never been but beg him to take me as often as we can now. We went to our favorite beach at natural bridges, where I gleamed at finding tidepools and starfish.  On our way back to Reno, he told me this time together had been great, basically he wouldn't forget it....He got a job 3 hours away in Mammoth lakes. our "thing" became a "fling"?
  I thought I wouldn't see or hear from him again, because it is such a guy thing to do.  Three months later before my birthday I get a letter and my landlords look at me through the office and see me jumping like the dork I am, up and down in front of the mail box.  He wrote me the sweetest letter, and I knew that everything wasn't over.

It is amazing to think that wasn't just a few months ago, but actually three years ago.  We are not about to end it anytime soon either.

 
 

 

  I got an earfull of the Smashing Pumpkins, a week before the show, as if we were preparing for a rock final.  We jammed through a variety of my favorite "Siamese Dream" and old school "Gish" (Bill's fav,) even surfed through the washy waves in newborn "Zeitgeist".  After a couple drinks and skimming through walls of glorious Fillmore posters the show started.  Drums rattled, bass hummed, and Bill Corgan appeared in white shirt and emo-Dr.Seuss striped arm sleeves, still bald and creepy.  He started heavy and okay, could of had more passion, then he mentioned something that turned off the audience that "San Francisco is full of hate"....Wha?
  Soon we found out that Corgan may be bitter that his new trancendental experimental jam band (practice?) music was not exactly working for what everyone had expected.  I shook my head watching the band crumble into what had used to be great into a beginner band all over again in a baaaaad way.  I agreed with the guy who shouted "This song remains the same, move on with it."  I disagreed with the bitch who elbowed him in the ribs.  That must be the San Francisco hatred he spoke of. 

I know that Corgan must of not felt confident with his new step forward/ backward? He told the audience before encore "Was that too weird?  Should I refund your money?"  Bill and I (and that other guy) screamed yes, but the crowd sucked up his presence and screamed No.  El Stupidos.  In disappointment, we needed something more...probably not more drinks, oh well.  We stepped over to the Boom Boom Room and watched the Stanton Moore Trio play an excellent funky set with real talent as I danced with a wild drunken blond woman who claimed Stanton is her future husband, he just doesnt know it.

Chawbacon\n\(1537): BUMPKIN, HICK



Alaska: Wild, open, gorgeous, and sometimes boring (even when your sharing it with the one you love.)

I glowed and tingled happily as I showed Bill my hometown in Wasilla, AK.  It was such a rush to have him experience most of the things I knew and grew up with, including my parents who were very well behaved and approving, which is a plus considering our past reactions.  The sky fell upon us with rain and never-ending shine diffusing any fourth of July firework plans but refreshing the pine scent into our crisp surrounding. 

 Mikees memory and issues are still red-hot and awkward considering his ex wife is taking everything and sueing my step mom for anything she can.  It was hard watching the other brother struggle to fill that emptiness he feels and my step mom fly into the air with nothing to grasp on except for her own avoidance.  I went there hoping I could help, or strengthen a family bond but it seemed as they were not apparant to how they were pushing us away.

Moments make it easier to cherish.  Bill tried to teach my

( five year old niecie )

how to skip a rock, humourously I watched as she took a huge pebble and plunked it in the lake exclaiming happily "Look, I skipped it one time!"
Bill picks up another flat rock and gives it to her, and continues to demonstrate, and then he skips his three times...my niecie then throws hers in and excitedly says" I threw mine on top of yours so mine skipped three times too!"  Adorable little runt she is.

Bill and I explored together

( Hatchers Pass )

( Kenai Fjords )

( Animal Conservation Center )

,

( Exit Glacier )

, and

( all in between )

 
  Bill doesn't feel like he has seen enough, I don't think it is ever that possible to see everything in a month let alone even a week.  Balancing family time and exploration is perhaps enough for me to go completely bonkers.  I was glad to be back home.  I spent time with my Dad in the ol' truck, my step-grandmother on her last limb of life, my best friend, and my brother.  Time for Bill and I's alone time again by the end of that week.  We were there June 30th-July 7th.  Despite the drama, Bill and I hope to go back and camp in Denali.

I don't know how to start or end this.

The ( step) brother who was closest to me hung himself on the 16th, all because of a women who was not honest with herself, let alone honest with him.  I haven't had a chance because he had been so busy and moving around to talk to him since last summer, and all that is repeating in my head is that I want to talk to him, tell him that I love him. I can't, and it is wrenching at me now. I want to see him and hug him and us to tease eachother, everything be the same and wonderful when I visit again.

After a few dramatic circumstances, it came to me that this was going to happen.  Life also gave me the clues to predict; Bill and I talked about the suicide rate in Alaska being higher then any other state.  We talked of this only two days before his own suicide.  I believe strongly that not everything, but odd little things, happen for a reason, happen to guide you or prepare you in some sort of way.  I admit, I was not prepared for this, nor did I want to be. 

He was always there for me to make me laugh and never took anything personally.  We kept eachothers secrets, and used them maybe later for revenge.  He bought me my first tattoo when I turned 18 and thank goodness it is an awesome one.  He would often hide behind corners to scare the hell out of me and wrestle me into very painful positions at times, but that is what made him Mikee, and I love him  with all my heart and will forever miss him.

Fuck. Lets do this thing.

  It is that time of year again; The fuck-it-all or let it fuck you season;

Summer , like psychedelic spiders playing guitar on my spine
misbehaved tingles loosen the wicked collar that determines
paycheck or freedom.

What is this thing "life", what day is it on, maybe I can request it off.

This dreamcloud tunnel vision really tears up my animal instinct; I want to lash out and roar at something, even if it translates into "I said I wanted paper, Not plastic!"  since having a hippie green utopia is the current buzz.  Are you in or are you an ignorant earth hating scumpussy!?  Yeah, you know who you are,  squishing your dirty fingers into our earth injecting soda cans and cigarettes, mcdonalds and aerosol, putting lust over love, and fear over happiness.  Why search for other highs, when you could of just stepped outside.

 Today I celebrate, not being lonely in myself, having a break, and finding new music from the small print of the upcoming Bonnaroo festivals lineup.  I have enjoyed so far, "Bang Bang Bang", "Fictionplane" "Sam Champion" and "Cage the Elephant.   I won't be going but at least I can enjoy what I am missing.

 This weekend I am going to celebrate my tin can love being full up rather then the loud and clangy half empty, because what good is a tin can you can't fill when its gone, it just echoes and holds remains of memories and dusty arguements.  You can try to fill it with something else but it wouldn't be the same.  Anyways, we plan to go camping at Butano. I am looking forward to being wrapped up in Bills arms, hopefully a good dancing fire, and some trails to spend the day exploring together. 

If you want something to look forward to, try CFD, may 5th at the civic center SF.  Listen to music, sign petitions, have a good time.

I need to write something.

It is yet another "27th" that I can add to my list of events that happen on this particular day.  I gracefully let it roll off my back, sliding into the blue lagoon of positive thoughts.  It swims around between worry and regret from time to time but always cools itself back to confidence and reassurance. No scar can be worse then being alone in your own negative thoughts, so I thought I better just let it go now. 

I was bit in the face by an old scared lab, that I probably should of muzzled because that age is unpredictable.  I didn't however, and don't blame the dog for my consequence.  I will go back to work as scheduled and do exactly as I would any other day.  My love for animals never budges  as if it were just an innocent child itself. 

It did not necessarily ruin my day, at least I got a free starbucks coffee because my lovely barista crew felt for me, and even called me "hard-core", how flattering.

    Mycophagist , n, (1861) one who eats fungi (mushrooms.)           Put that on your resume'  :0)

I am a little late writing about Saint Patricks day spiffiness, but it is my blog so bleh~meh bugger on off me. St. Patrick's Day is a traditional day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide.  My Ancestory lies in Ireland and Scotland, so I feel compelled to celebrate my Murray name in a more civilized irish lass way (if there is  such a thing.)  I may not be in "mass" praying for all people in need;  I don't think that helps anyway, but rather putting some positive spirtual energy in the universe.  I wore the traditional green, but in my opinon, the earth wore it better in the pleasant redwood living room of Portola State Park.


Scurrying before sunset, logan9 and I explored a trail to "Tiptoe Falls".  We walked under the shadowy legs of the redwood trunks , peeking way up at thier sunbathed leafy heads in awe of the beauty in these powerful giants. They seemed, as if with individual personalities, forming in a social grand bouquet or lying lazily  on the mossy earth's couch, and once in awhile,  there is one that stands alone but can be the greatest and most breath-taking of them all. The trail was a little mucky in parts and on an incline that challenged my stamina,  but there was no stopping till I get to see my damn waterfall.  We got a warning from two friendly informative travelers heading back that there was a river to be crossed, be prepared to lose the shoes and lose the blood in your feet....the water was Alaska cold.  It was just wide enough to do the oh -thats -cold jiggle and boogie at the other end of the shore.  Fastforward point 30 miles later, we came to the destination.  It was not magnormous, but a confident peaceful little waterfall that filled my spirit with relief and happiness.  It moved as if it was cotton and floated down the rockwall into a mini lagoon that was refreshingly not filled with littering plastics, or pollutant foam. I could not have spent my St. Patties day any better. 

I do have to throw in though logan9 almost got us lost on the way back though ;0)

One thing I hold dearly is my personal feeling of making a difference in someones life.  I would sacrifice almost everything to lessen the pain in anothers heart.  The gamble is risky though if nothing positive comes out of it.  I realize some peoples life just is in too much turmoil to accept happiness, either I am ignorant or lucky to be as positive as I am these days.
  The pure excitement lies alone in the question "what is going to happen tommorow that is going to effect me differently then today?"  I always love a mystery.  Whether it is bad or good, I know there is going to be some lesson to learn from it.  Step back and take a running start back to where you were with new knowledge and compassion, to be only an influence on those stuck where you used to be.

VIII

Sun filtered in blinking streams through the swaying window shades; I must of slept longer then I thought.  Refreshed, but pondersome about the dream that had pulled me in deep r.e.m, I couldn't clearly make anything of it as usual.  An icecream breakfast called for me in the freezer ( I know, I am such a hypocritical health-nut,)  I eat the whole thing, and feel minor guilt, mostly because Bill only got a scoop.  It isn't a work day, but I knew a king charles had an afternoon appointment so I took the free bus, that is supposed to be for senior citizens but has no rule that I can't ride it, down to Petco.  I cuddle with it and give it kisses as my manager shakes his head in a way that speaks what am I going to do with her .  I then head to my second home, the purple chair in starbucks, but I notice a man digging out the nickels and pennies from the fountain and looking for more change in the cigarette trays above the trash cans.  He looked like he was only in his early 30's ; I had a dollar in my wallet that I knew would only go as a baristas tip anyway.  I followed him on his scavenger hunt for change and caught up to him when he stopped to count in front of a restraunt. I peeked at his handful of shiny, dirty, and unidentifiable collection.  I smiled and said a dollar may be easier to carry and I think I embarrased him.  I insisted it was okay, I wouldn't use it.  He refused and said I can't really,  and thanked me anyway.  I wasn't used to that, usually a man in need of anything addiction or food would still be grateful for a freebie.  This man tried to keep his dignity and looked as if he had just lost himself the day before.  I guess I felt bad because I didn't feel I helped this man in anyway,  but maybe I did if he realized that he looks in a big slump that strangers want to help him or I completely ruined his day.  Moral: be grateful for what you have, because not everyone has it like you.

If you have "nothing to do" just grab yourself a blanket and a friend and wait for nightfall or the "wee hours" for some natural attractions a billion miles from the top of your head.

MERCURY	—	is too close to the Sun to be seen during most of January, but it reappears below Venus low in the SW sky after sunset near the end of that month. The fast-moving planet reaches greatest eastern elongation on Feb. 7, thereafter vanishing rapidly back into the Sun's glare.
VENUS	—	slowly emerges into the WSW evening twilight sky during January and February.
MARS	—	gradually emerges into the ESE predawn sky during the spring months, but it is a difficult predawn object for northern hemisphere observers until summer. Though 2007 is another Mars opposition year (as were 2003 and 2005), the planet does not reach that point until December 24, nor will it be as large or close as in those previous years.
JUPITER	—	appears low in the SE in the "wee hours" before dawn during January and February.
SATURN	—	rises in late evening and is visible much of the night, in Leo. Saturn reaches opposition to the Sun on February 10, when it will rise in the E around sunset and be visible all night.

February 2-

2

!

The Full Snow Moon passes near the planet Saturn, in Leo.

February 10-

10

!

Saturn reaches opposition to the Sun, rising in the east near sunset and visible all night. Saturn's rings, now tilted about 13 degrees to Earth's view, will close to under 7 degrees by the end of the year.

These are some I had found interesting.  Once in awhile I look at the sky and wonder about some of the things I see.  I was lucky to have seen the moon ring back in january; It had looked like a crystal nuclear aftershock had encompassed the moon.  I try to keep track of when these things are going to happen now, because I know I will always have time to go outside and look up.  Gives us all something to look forward to that way.

another cool link
volcano webcams in AK

Swagger Jacker-A person who steals someone elses flow, lines, jokes, swagger
(thank you Urban Dicitonary)



  Today, animal planet aired "Oceans Deadliest," the documentary in which Steve Irwin died in the filming.  Although, I think his enthusiasm was a little over-the-top for my viewing most of the time, I watched this and admired how the smallest creature would react a glow in his eyes.
The same little things, to which I bask in incandescent celebration for in my daily.  Yesterday, I got to bathe a most adorable king charles cavalier spaniel, and it gave the most wonderful kisses!  My job isn't much for pay, but the rewards are far much agreeable.
The time I have to acheive my goals is both long however short in comparison to the magnitude.  I have an expectation of myself that is like making my stubborn inner child do chores and she don't wanna (just a tad stressful being my own parent.)  That is the reason the little things are such a necessity in not only my own but everyones life.  Green tea icecream, doggie kisses, making funny faces at kids, extra five minutes, whatever your bag may be, exaggerate it, and make it the smile on your face the rest of the day.

Why am I smiling? Perhaps thats not appropriate.






I want one of these heart melters! 

Picara / n /  (ca:1930): a woman who is a rogue

Time is irrelevant in this case of blog blasphemy.  I could of made time to write, but choose to pitter around on petfinder or myspace instead.  It is too often that people say "I haven't had any time."  Bullshit.  How you spend your time determines how much time you actually have in a day.  Please don't tell me that you don't have time, tell me out of  your denial-frozen lips that you just didn't do it. 

I have turned my own life and world upsidedown by listening and watching human-communication (opposed to whatever else is out there) and found that there is a lack of logic, and completion.  Logically, if you are surrounded by happy people, you generally feel happy, and visa-versa with sad groups.  Why would you want to bring sadness on other people?  I don't think people mean to do it, but it has been the only sort of lingo people know how to commuicate.  Example: "I am freezing, it is miserable today" "I am so broke, I can't think" "I have a headache"  "I have to work today."  These are all little things, but take affect/effect on everyone.  Rarely do I hear " I finally get to wear my nice winter coat" " I don't want to spend anything so I took a wonderful hike with a great view" "I could be better, but you look wonderful today!" "I am looking forward to the weekend!"  If you didn't notice, that is the positive antithesis to the first negative examples.

I was watching a 60 minute interview with Bush yesterday, and found him yet again despicable.  His smirk can be easily analyzed as a I-am-better-then-you-and-I-will-not-accept-anything-you-say blackened across his whole face.  I used that same smirk when I put up my walls as a teenager.  I would have a hard time as a journalist not lunging out and strangling that man.
Everyone knows the saying "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." America's troops are certainly being taken advantage by Bushs insanity as he surges more troops overseas.  There is nothing positive to cover up that sadness.

To release some of the depression in this world, try being happy for the sake of yourself and the future.

off note: A must see is "Pan's Labyrinth"  excellent film, wonderfully horrifying creatures, an ending that is agreeable for once...go see it!
golden globes is tonight.  Once more I get to enjoy it with my love. Joy

  Vivific \adj\ (1551): Imparting spirit or vivacity (yeah, just try saying tha ten times fast)

I took these few days choking on the backed-up artist-block dust and coughing it all up in as many artsy-fartsy angles as possible.  Refreshingly putting out 2 new pieces of poetry writing that still need editing but can still be proud of, unlike my pieces of homemade stocking (enough said.)  It seems once in awhile a new wave of inspiration hits me and I am in love with life and beauty and I have no idea where it comes from, but I guess something out there kicks on and goes " yep, she needs a boost!"

VII
 
 I had four days off, and now three (work called me in tomorrow) and I had no idea what to do with it anyway, sad, but I figured I should get outside today.  I grabbed the guitar and strummed her as I strolled to the path behind our apartment.  First thing I saw was at least a hundred crows flutter above my head, second thing was a baby white egret delighting in some evening grub in the bushes; I couldn't help but stare at this beautiful creature, clean white and pristine, feathers lightly slicked back in plush soft spikes, tiny red eyes appearing calm as I strummed close to it.  I sat down on the rusty trail bench from 1978 (copyright reads on old workout sign next to it)  and played my imperfect tunes to an audience of crows filling each tree surrounding.  Amazing.  Of course, I didn't have a camera on me.  No person was around me but I still felt listened to.

I wish I was jewish so I can have 8 maids cleaning this mess I have created

Buttons, needles, pins, and clothes: the whole lot strewn about like a christmas confetti disaster.  I have officially made one stocking that is not finished.  I am trying to save the world and save my money at the same time this holiday by making stockings, ornaments, and cards out of old clothes and broken jewelery.  I can see my family saying to themselves "I hope she didn't buy any of this crap."  It all looks kind of like an aesthetic four year old did it; I might as well add froot-loops.  I refuse to not give it my all though.
I admit I got a few things...a minnie sweater for niecie, and 4 cd's at 60 percent off at Tower.  No one needs the latest MP3 player, handbag, sports book mumbo-jumbo....if anything I would feel better handing that to a kid in Louisiana before giving it to my family who can buy it for themselves anytime they want to.  This year, it is not going to be gift-stress.  It will be the will of creativity and greatfulness.  I miss my family greatly and want to show them I care, not that I can afford expensive gifts and send them..holiday done ( that does not show care in my opinion. ) 


if you must buy:
http://www.familygivingtree.org/

 Twaddle\ n. [prob. alter. of E  dial. twattle- idle talk] (1782) 1: silly idle talk : DRIVEL 2. one that twaddles : TWADDLER




SAN FRANCISCO -- San Francisco police say a 53-year-old mother of four was shot execution style as she prepared to go to work at the post office.Investigators say the killing may have been a random act of violence.Genevieve Paez was a U.S. Postal Service customer service supervisor.Paez was just about to get into her silver SUV and head to work just before 6 a.m. when she was shot, according to police Sgt. Neville Gittens. Authorities say her teenage daughter found her body on the sidewalk early Tuesday next to the open door of the vehicle. It was parked in front of the garage of a home near Tioga Avenue and Delta Street.Police say neighbors heard a sound that morning but thought it was a car backfiring. Investigators sat they've ruled out robbery as a motive because nothing appears to have been stolen. But they can't yet explain why Paez was shot in the back of the head. ref.\ : http://www.nbc11.com/news/10421262/detail.html?rss=bay&psp=news

VI

  This story crossed paths with me yesterday.  A group of people walked into my store and were buying a card like normal, did not ask for help, did not act too much different, but there was a small raincloud following them in a sense.  After twaddling with them at the counter, including harrassing them for being SoCalians in a kidding sort of way, they informed me they are not having a good day *pause* their boss just has been shot and killed. I was taken aback, and asked recently?  They were all shooken up as they told me, just today, it is on the news.  They told me how beautifully nice Genevieve is, and how she was so full of life, ready for anything, and a loving parent to her four kids.  I do not know her but I miss her too, no one deserves thier life stripped away from them, definitely those not taking advantage of life, but living it to the fullest.  News of death always spurs that reminder button shoved under my mental carpet, that death does exist and it can and will happen to me someday.  What do I want to accomplish before I die?  What do I want to see?  Who do I want to meet?  How will I leave a legacy?
 
This is about how she crossed my path and affected me.  I only hope they find the person that shot her and set him/her straight.  I feel for her family at Christmas, and hope that happiness will bring them at peace soon.  It does not matter who they are or what attitude they bring into a room, be kind to your neighbor, our friends, and strangers, violence is easier then love...challenge yourself.

Tante Bella Cose\ Ital. Transl: To Everything Beautiful

Nothing recently has spurred my spiritual radar off the charts, therefore leaving me to type about something else. My birthday is today, the big milestone, 21.  Am I supposed to be put together by now?  I still feel kinda messed up.  I remember looking up at the "adults" (those taller then me) and seeing how they act, how they talk, how they dress, and telling myself when I am older I am going to be like that.  I think I have been trying too hard to be those people for so long that my own identity is on stand-by, telling me to make up my freaking mind.  I realized (as a duh as it sounds) nothing fixes itself, what I have done in my past is still my running partner, no matter how fast I try to run from it.  I have learned from it, but is it too late to fix it, I think so. 

A happier quick note:

V

Waves scattered on the thick grains of shell bits, frothing over them and sinking back letting us see the white ones glitter in the sun.  Surfers clung to their wetsuits and took on the wave as it rose like a savage claw enveloping them in its weighted palm.  Bill and I took the less extreme adventure and scampered about the little cove that the waves would just do a loop and then retract lettign us run down one waveless path that appeared for only 5 seconds at a time.  I was delighted to see a starfish oasis as we turned into this little cave that was wet with salt and dew. Moss and barnacles, black against yellow, sand against rock, purple legs or orange legs; The colors were an eyeful.  To top the Pacifica daytrip, we did a sunset hike before heading off, and I appreciated this more then anything I could carry home for my birthday.